The Void That Doesn't Feel Like Loneliness
Drifting without drowning, and not sure why...?
I don’t really know what phase I’m in, but lately, I’ve become emotionally and physically distant from everyone. Family, friends, even the people I usually lean on without thinking, it’s like I’ve switched off. And it wasn’t gradual. It hit out of nowhere.
This isn’t new for me. I’ve had these phases before — when I was 10, then again at 13, during COVID, and now. It’s like every few years, something inside me just shuts down. But this time is a bit different. Earlier, I used to feel lonely during these episodes. Even with people around, the loneliness would still be loud. Now? I just feel... nothing. Not sad, not overwhelmed. Just detached.
It’s not like I hate people or want to disappear forever. I just don’t feel like talking. Making plans, replying to texts, even calling a friend just to catch up, it all feels like burdensome work. I don’t even have the energy to fake it.
I don’t know what kind of burnout this is. I didn’t even realise how much I’d pulled back until my mum cried in front of me, saying they were worried. That hit hard. Because in my head, I do communicate. I talk; check in. Or at least, I thought I did. Maybe I’ve stopped showing up in ways that matter. Or maybe what I think is enough... just isn’t anymore.
I’m not angry. I’m not going through some dramatic breakdown. I just feel blank. Like I’m floating in my own little bubble and stepping out of it takes more effort than I can manage right now.
It’s hard to explain this to anyone without sounding cold or selfish. It’s not that I don’t care. I care deeply. I just don’t have the emotional fuel to prove it right now. And I know that sounds unfair. But I also know I’ve been here before, and I’ll probably move past it again.
This isn’t a cry for help. I’m not looking for advice or “you should talk to someone.” I just needed to get it out of my head. Writing helps. It makes things feel a bit more real, like I’m at least acknowledging what’s going on, even if I don’t fully understand it.
If you’ve felt this too, this weird in-between where you're not fine, but not falling apart either, you’re not alone. Sometimes it’s not about fixing anything. Sometimes it’s just about getting through.
That’s where I’m at.
