Don't talk to me on the train. Or maybe do?

I enjoy my train rides alone. I find a certain sense of comfort when I'm alone; I subconsciously manifest it. I hope that my friend doesn't board the same train or the overenthusiastic woman on the opposite seat doesn't talk to me. Because then I would have to make conversation, abandon my music playlist and disrupt the overflowing pot of thoughts in my head. I don't know why that is though. I like talking to people and making conversations, I've even made a few really good friends from train rides. But there is something I seek every day, every single time. I don't know what it is though. Is it the fact that for that one hour in the day, I'm completely alone, devoid of any work, or responsibilities yet weirdly overcome with a lot of emotions, as I recall the events of the day, the embarrassing things I do throughout the day or the compliments I got on my outfits and even daydreaming about random scenarios that might just happen (might)?

However, there was this one time when on the opposite seat from me there was this girl who had a BTS phone case and I wanted to talk to her. I know. Opposite to my personality. However, what I didn't realise was that I had a Kpop photocard on my case and she saw it and was like “I have to ask you, can I please see your phone case’. Of course that got us to talking and for the first tie we talked the entire way back about the most random things. She's still a great friend I love talking to!

Sometimes I do like to listen to other people gossip, or occasionally peek into my neighbour's phone, intrigued to see what they're watching. Sometimes it's a nonsensical daily soap or sometimes a popular tv show. Very rarely it's a Korean drama, I've seen and that somehow makes me a bit proud. All of this, I do wordlessly. I act like I am a silent observer who exists physically but not mentally. I like every other person like social contact, and engaging in conversations, but I hate it on the train. You might think, hate is a strong word. It captures the intensity perfectly.  

 

It's probably the only time I feel human like the train is somehow the Elliot to my ET. while I ponder over these things, like a movie, I am accompanied by my very own customised background music. The songs penetrating through my earbuds enhance my emotions and then I stim the same song till I feel that very specific emotion I have been seeking to experience. Does that make sense? probably, probably not. But it's sort of like a ritual, and I vehemently despise it when someone breaks this ritual by invading my space, even though their intentions are pure. I feel forced to make conversation, occasionally smile at them or on some occasions listen to their questions, and stories and give them advice on their oversharing bits of information while trying to be less of an 'antisocial alien'. It's not that I don't want to help them or listen to their stories, it's that I crave that piece of mind that 'sukoon'. But how do I tell them no, or please shut up, or go away, I want to be alone. It's rude and I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would be very hurt. So how do I politely request a person to leave me alone and give me my space? How do I do this and be a nice train stranger and a fun new friend?

Some of my favourite songs to stim are Bollywood songs that went viral on reels and that I can somehow relate to my own life (because my life is a movie and I am the main character). Add your favourite comfort songs to the playlist.